Dense Blog Advisory

Lots of words, people. Lots of words.

The Hunger Games movie, or, how my fast-forward button got a workout September 9, 2012

The short version:

Well, that was a waste of $1.20 and two hours of my life.

The long version:

I’m aware that millions of people watched this movie, and many millions more have probably read the books.  I have not read the books, despite several family members recommending them to me.  I generally trust my family’s opinion on books, but I’m just not a fan of anything set in the future.  Dystopian plots leave me cold.  So do books written in present tense.  Perhaps it’s a personal failing.  If I had planned to read the books before seeing the movie, I definitely will never read them now.

On Friday night, my friendly Redbox kiosk enticed me to pay $1.20 for the privilege of watching this movie.  I have rarely been so bored, and then, so angry.  I ended up fast-forwarding huge chunks of the movie because (a) nothing happened and (b) it looked like shit and (c) nothing happened.

I do not understand why people like this movie.  Here is a short list of reasons why:

1.  This movie has no soul.  

Seriously.  Children killing each other should move me to a reaction.  I’m not made of stone.  Sometimes even commercials for greeting cards can make me cry.  I’m an easy mark.  I felt a twinge when the little black girl died, but other than that, everything was stark and devoid of emotion.  Note to filmmakers:  if you want people to root for a character, you have to give her a soul.  As written in the movie, the character of Katniss had no soul.  She was hard and cold and too cool for school.  This is not the way to help me bond with a character.  Not enough vulnerability.  Also, for some reason, Jennifer Lawrence’s dark hair and stone face reminded me of Katherine Heigl in One for the Money.  This is probably not a good thing.

The problem is that even when addressing super-dark topics, like kids killing kids, you need a pinch of humor.  This movie didn’t have that.  It completely failed to see that a pinch of humor humanizes the situation and makes the characters seem less robotic.  Everything was serious to the nth degree and this failing ended up sinking the movie.

2.  The characters all looked like they were either an extra for Schindler’s List or an extra for a cracked-out episode of the ’60s Batman show.

Seriously.  Explain to me how the main character’s family can live in the same world as the blue-haired announcer guy.  These are two different planets.  Does not compute.

3.  Complete lack of believability or explanation for why anyone seemed to think it was okay that these games are billed as an exercise in patriotism.

Maybe this is explained better in the book.  It was not explained in the movie.  But just a thought….anything called “the hunger games” can in no way be celebrated as a patriotic exercise, not even halfway seriously, with the feeble explanation that it has been done this way for 75 years.  This requires at least half the country to have lost its mind.  Yet some characters who participate willingly (the Woody Harrelson character) seems to have something of a conscience.  I am confused.  I cannot suspend my disbelief.  This is just plain stupid.

4.  If anyone said that “odds in your favor” phrase one more time, I was going to poke holes in my eardrum with a fork.

5.  Clothes made with fire?  Really?  Could these have looked any more fake?  Could this be any stupider or less believable?  People in the capital area can make clothes with fire, but everyone in the districts look like they belong in an Andrew Wyeth painting?

6.  Less than believable love story.  Really, people?  Smart-ass Katniss sets booby traps and avoids being killed for an hour or so in the forest, then falls in love with Peeta (I can’t type that name with a straight face) because the stupid announcement from the game controllers basically tells her to?  Again, complete lack of character development or reasonability.

7.  Those pit bull things at the end.  WTF?  Why not throw Predator in there, too?  That’ll really fuck some shit up.  Again, you want me to believe that this stuff is technologically possible while the rest of the country looks like a backdrop for American Gothic?  A lot more explanation is needed for this to be remotely believable.

8.  The rampant lack of creativity.  Maybe this is a fault of the book, but it’s basically Lord of the Flies meets “The Most Dangerous Game” meets Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.”  I have seen every element of this before and didn’t really like them the first time.

9.  One-dimensional characters all around.  Everyone is evil or there to fulfill a super-obvious purpose (younger sister cowering in fear = older sister making heroic sacrifice; zoned-out mother = main character had to be a mother and a sister).  And I won’t even talk about the characters played by Lenny Kravitz (stunt casting, anyone?), Woody Harrelson, and Elizabeth Banks.

10.  The theme seems confused about what it wants to tell us.  Are we supposed to believe the government is evil for having these games in the first place?  Are we supposed to believe the advertisers and sponsors are evil because they participate and don’t care who dies?  Why don’t the people revolt?  Can’t they replace the mineral makeup of the city dwellers with good old-fashioned lead makeup or something?  Nothing about the government seems invincible, which makes the oppression of the people seem forced.  Again, maybe the book covers this, but the movie doesn’t do anything to help make this situation seem reasonable.

I could go on.  But I’m tired of typing.  Tired of thinking about that stupid movie.  It doesn’t deserve this much of anyone’s energy.

May the force be with you.


Flame Me If You Must, But I Don’t Get This Whole Harry Potter Thing July 9, 2011

Filed under: Books,Do Re Me,Hot Topics,Life, Whatnot — indiakonstanze @ 3:45 pm

Seriously.  I just don’t get it.  It’s a book.  Several of them, in fact.  But there are lots of great books.  Why are people losing their shit over these in particular?  Or is it the movies that are making people lose their shit?  Either way, I don’t get it.

Full disclosure:  I’ve never read them.  I’ve never seen the movies.  (Okay, I might have dozed through one or two of the movies, courtesy of a roommate’s DVD copy.)  I know 99.9% of the universe will gasp in horror.  Fully 98% of those 99.9% will instantly ask if I live under a rock, hate literature, hate the British, hate fantasy, hate YA, or just hate books in general.  I can assure you that none of those things are true.

I do not live under a rock.  I live in an apartment.  With the internet.  And a library card.  And tons of books.

I do not hate literature.  I love literature.  I’m in grad school studying literature.  By choice.  Incurring up to $30,000 of debt to do so, in an economy in which I am extremely unlikely to find a job.  I read War and Peace and Anna Karenina by choice.  This would seem to illustrate the fact that I do love literature.

I do not hate the British.  I read lots of British authors.  I love things that are British.  I’ve been to England several times.  I stayed up to watch the Royal Wedding.  See, I even capitalized “Royal Wedding.”  Yeah, it’s that big a deal.  I dated a British guy for the simple fact that he was British.  In all other respects, he was an asshole.  But it’s impossible to deny the wit, charm, and cuteness of British men.

I do not hate fantasy.  Neither do I love it, but “hate” is far too strong a word.  If I do read any fantasy, it’s usually the dark fairy tale type.  C.J. Cherryh’s Rusalka series still blows my mind.  And there are wizards in it!  And magic!  I have next to no experience with other fantasy novels, aside from a few Anne McCaffreys I read in middle school.

I do not hate YA.  I don’t really understand why the publishing industry shits itself over YA books that feature “edgy” issues like cutting, molestation, gay sex, and the like, but I’m not against it any more than I am for it.  Consider me bemused.  That being said, I wouldn’t put a book down if I wanted to read it simply because it was written for and marketed mainly towards kids or teens.  Ellen Raskin’s The Westing Game is one of my all-time favorite books.  Forever.  Like, put a copy in my coffin favorite.  And I still read Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain series every few years.  Holy hell, that’s probably categorized as Young Adult Fantasy, now that I think of it.  See?  I’m participating.

I do not hate books in general.  (See all sentences prior to that one.)

But when it comes to Harry Potter, I just can’t be bothered to care.  I know this will offend fanboys and fangirls everywhere, who find deep satisfaction in the characters, plot, and the fact that they simply grew up with these characters.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  More power to them.  I am all for books changing people’s lives.  If more books changed people’s lives instead of reality TV shows, the world would be a better place.

Still.  I can’t bring myself to read a Harry Potter book.  I look at the book jacket copy.  Nothing there makes me want to pick one up.  A boy wizard?  Nope.  A giant named Hagrid? Nope.  Magic wand?  Nope.  I just can’t care.  Maybe it means I have no heart.  This is entirely possible.  None of the books have a plot point that make me think, hey, that sounds interesting.

Plenty of people have assured me that once I start reading them, I’ll be hooked.  They’re unputdownable, someone said.  Well, that means I would have to pick one up.  That’s where they lose me.  I need a better hook.  Or, in all fairness, a hook more suited to my tastes.  I’m not suited to wizardry, apparently.  Or stories told from the point of view of a young boy.  All the whimsical touches people love about these books (the names, the magical inventions, etc.) feel trite and forced to me.  I don’t think, “Good Grief, I can’t wait to find out what Quidditch is.”  I think, “Hmm.  That is a Scrabble catch-all word if I’ve ever seen one.”

I can’t read something just because other people say it’s amazing.  It has to hook me, my imagination and my spirit and my soul.  Think of the classic parental deterrence phrase:  If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it, too?  No.  A hundred times no.  I will not be bullied into reading something just because, oh, billions of other people enjoy it.  Great for them.  Not my thing.

In the tumblr world, people are freaking out over this last Harry Potter movie.  Crying.  Saying their lives will never be the same now that it’s over.  Posting endless GIFs with snapshots from the movies.  And I suppose there’s nothing too unhealthy about any of it.  I’m still just left bewildered.


Baseball: Let’s Make It Interesting Again February 9, 2010

Filed under: Hot Topics,Life, Whatnot — indiakonstanze @ 7:09 pm
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Douche bags of the world, unite. Here is your leader.

Who still cares about baseball? The game eulogized so well in Field of Dreams barely exists anymore. Believing in the heroes of modern baseball is like believing fat-free cheese tastes the same as real cheese. You’d have to be dumb as a brick to be unaware of the existence of vast, unpronounceable chemical substances that help the fake thing masquerade as the real thing.

So here’s my idea for making it pure again:

Make performance-enhancing drugs illegal. All of them. No hormones, no steroids, no nothing. If poor baby gets a cold and needs to play on Saturday, do what Babe Ruth or Hank Aaron probably did—have a nip of whiskey and just freakin’ do it, or sit your ass on the bench and watch the healthy players duke it out. This is not a complicated concept, and I am not asking anyone to do something that has not already been done. It’s how the game has been played for most of its existence.

Institute random checks for all illegal substances. The check could come at any time or any place. If any of the banned substances are found in a player’s body, he forfeits all salary he has received from the day he signed his first contract. A third-year player who has made 1.5 million dollars? Give back 1.5 million dollars and you’re banned for life from baseball. Don’t have 1.5 million dollars? Well, don’t cheat, or prepare to have your ass sued, assets seized, whatever it takes. The player contract would need to have these provisos written in, of course, before they signed. I refuse to let these fuckers off the hook because they have a good laywer. In fact, make them sign a clause saying they will not contest any fine that ensues from a positive drug test.

Can you imagine what would happen to guys who got caught ten years into their career? What about Barry Bonds?  Dude could single-handedly refurbish the entire Tenderloin with what he’d have to give back.  It’s totally fitting, considering the disrespect it shows fans and the game itself when these guys pump themselves full of shit they can’t pronounce. My dad could hit 50 homers a year if given the right roids. I don’t want to pay to see somebody do something I could do if given the same obliging doctor and pharmacist. I want to pay to see something amazing, something natural, something that’s the product of God-given talent and practice….not a hypodermic needle.

If players blame team coaches or owners for pressuring them, just look for the paper trail of emails, texts, doctor’s charts or signed authorizations. There is always a paper trail.  Find proof of coercion, and then take the coach and/or owner’s salary, too.

All seized funds would be spread among charities in that team’s city. Each team would have to provide a list of acceptable charities, approved before all these rules go into effect, and the charities would have to be investigated to make sure no one affiliated with the team is in charge of handling the money or on the board. The disgraced player, coach or owner may be given the option to name which charity/charities the money would go to. It was their money, after all.

There are still plenty of details to be worked out, of course…I’m just thinking out loud.  But I really like this idea. It means that everything we see is real. Every home run and stolen base is genuine. The assholes who just want to pump themselves full of drugs can go find a bodybuilding contest to enter. The ones who want to play can do just that.


I am so not “Manhattan guy” January 2, 2010

Filed under: Arkansuck,Life, Whatnot — indiakonstanze @ 11:03 pm
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I am home.

I am home.

I am home.

Here I am, three years after leaving, back in California. We left Little Rock on December 9, and are now settled in Folsom. I have no job, no prospects, and nothing more than a vague plan to go to school in the fall (Masters in English…yeah, that’s useful), but it feels wonderful. I moved in on December 17 and haven’t plugged in my alarm clock yet.

The heartache of being a freelance writer will set in, once I realize how little I’ll have to live on. But for the moment, I am deleriously, deliciously happy to be able to do things like go to the beach, buy a bottle of wine on a Sunday, and eat at Panda Express on a regular basis (Sweet Jesus, the Panda map tells me I have FIVE locations to choose from).

I don’t regret my decision to leave California for a moment. It had to happen this way. Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda ended up dating Manhattan guy? The guy who had never been outside of Manhattan because he just didn’t see the point? I hate people like that, and unless I lived outside of California, I’d be a female version of that guy. So naive and obnoxious, self-centered in the extreme.

California is majestic and beautiful and amazing, but if you’ve never lived anywhere else, how do you prove it? Every trial has a prosecution and a defense, and if you can’t staff both sides of the bench, you have a mistrial.

The things we learned in Arkansas can’t be learned anywhere else, and I had a duty to myself to experience life somewhere else. I did it, I learned what I was meant to learn, and I’m back! Arkansas is a beautiful place, but everything there feels like it’s on a smaller, gentler scale after growing up in California. I met some wonderful people there, and I’ll miss them, but even proximity to New Orleans can’t keep me in a place where church and state aren’t quite separated yet, and racial integration is still a daily battle.

What I left behind

So long, Arkansas.

I’ll write about something funnier next time, I promise, but this post is for California, my empress, my muse, my home.


I Love New Orleans June 22, 2009

Filed under: Do Re Me,Life, Whatnot — indiakonstanze @ 8:42 pm
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For all of you who love looking at train wrecks, yes, there is still plenty of hurricane damage to be seen in New Orleans. Boarded up homes, burnt out homes, empty homes, empty buildings, roofs torn off…it’s all still there, and it’s all still heartbreaking. Just driving through it was enough to convey the sense of gravity held by anyplace where people have died in large numbers. We weren’t sure what we’d find, but we didn’t expect to find a sense of humor like the one shown here.

New Orleans humor

New Orleans humor

We drove through the French Quarter, as much as it’s possible to do so. After a few blocks of never-ending pedestrian trains, we parked on the outskirts of the area and hitailed it in. Now, my only prior experience with the French Quarter comes from the Pirates of the Caribbean area at Disneyland, and the scene in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, where Wolverine tracks down Gambit in a New Orleans gambling den. The real thing wasn’t like any of that.

It was dank. And dirty. And cramped. And beautiful. The buildings are mostly dark, mottled colors, with a few standouts in aqua or blue here and there. The carved balconies are pretty, but they aren’t bursting with flowerboxes or anything quaint like that. You can easily imagine hookers draped over them, wearing saloon girl outfits and speaking slurred French. Streets are narrow, gutters are flowing, and deliverymen are carting around thousands of pounds of alcohol in preparation for the coming weekend. I saw one poor Bud delivery guy hauling enormous kegs into a bar, one by one, for at least 30 minutes.

There are Hustler storefronts, where girls in scanty panties and tanktops try and lure you in. There are bars galore, restaurants, trinket shops, antique shops, and more. Unlike the Champs-Elysees in Paris, there is no McDonalds. I think that’s what I love about it. If you turn out of the French Quarter back to the main drag, you’ll hit all the regular commercial bullshit of a big city. But within these streets…Bourbon, Conti, Bienville….no Burger King, no Walgreens, no KFC. You eat Cajun or pizza by the slice, or you don’t eat.

I did not hear anyone speaking French, which was kind of a bummer. I might be able to recall a few words of high-school French for long enough to ask a question, and I was hoping I’d get to hear firsthand the difference between textbook French and Acadian French.

Part of what makes the French Quarter so appealing is the lack of artifice. What you see is what you get. It’s a little old, a little weathered, a little battered, but it’s here and it’s not going anywhere. It was Spanish, then French, then American. It has kept its devil-may-care flair through three different regimes, and debauchery has been the status quo for longer than America has been a country. My God, that’s mind-blowing if you just think about it.

We stopped in one of those tchotchke shops with cheap tourist t-shirts, shot glasses, and snowglobes. This is not something we normally do. But we couldn’t help it. The t-shirts were making fun of poverty, of Katrina, of anything serious. How could you not want to participate? I bought the t-shirt that says, “FEMA Evacuation Plan: Run, Bitch, Run” and P. bought the one that says, “I stayed in New Orleans for Katrina and all I got was this t-shirt, a new Cadillac, and a flat-screen TV.” How can you not love it?  If anyone has the right to make fun of what happened here, shouldn’t it be the people who survived it? And if it’s okay with them that silly Arkansan tourists wear Katrina-themed t-shirts, then damn it, I’m going to join in on the fun.

We stopped and ate at Café Beignet, a cute little open-air place tucked between two buildings. A Dixieland jazz band was set up there, playing sprightly covers of Sinatra-era songs. I had the chicken and sausage jambalaya because I was dying to sink my teeth into some real Cajun-style food, and P. had a Bloody Mary because he doesn’t like strange concoctions of food that usually include onions.  It was delicious. The music was great. I felt like I could relax here, really let it all hang out. It’s called The Big Easy for a reason, and I felt it even as I sat in an uncomfortable wrought-iron chair and held onto a plastic food basket as a gust of wind blew through the place.

After I ate, we decided to stop somewhere so P. could grab a piece of pizza. We picked a random bar/walk-up pizza joint, and he got his slice of pepperoni, and I inspected the drink offerings. There were daiquiri fountains set up behind the bar, with premixed flavors like Vampire’s Blood. The one I got was orange, made with 180-proof alcohol. It came with a free shot. It was the booziest drink I’d had all week, and we sipped it happily together as we walked toward the St. Louis cemetery, the oldest in New Orleans.

There are tombs here instead of graves because of the high water table. Some of the tombs are just boxes of crumbling stone, and others are mausoleum-type monuments with statuary on top. Marie Laveau is buried here, the voodoo queen of New Orleans. Her tomb is covered with scrawled rows of the XXXs. I wondered what on earth these meant, and a tour guide leading his group through told them that people believe that Marie will grant their wish/cast their spell/whatever if they pray to her and scrawl three XXXs on her tomb. It’s kind of sad to see anyone’s last resting place defaced, but on the other hand, it’s a testament to the kind of power people believe she had (has?).

Here’s where things got really interesting. As we wandered the rows of tombs, we saw our last name several times. My husband doesn’t know much at all about his family history; his father was born in Louisiana, and that’s about it. So in theory, he could be somehow related to the people in that cemetery. It’s a relatively uncommon last name, a far cry from Smith or Jones or anything like that. It’s also not a French name, which makes it more unusual. I’ve been playing around on, but I haven’t discovered much that’s a confirmed link to my husband’s family.

Still, for someone as obsessed with history as I am, it feels incredible to be linked to a place with real history—they have a voodoo queen, for heaven’s sake. Nothing this interesting is lurking up my family tree. Unfortunately, I have so little to go on that it’s hard to make solid connections. But I’m hoping to get a basic idea of when this family arrived in New Orleans, what branches it split into, and where those branches went. Even if I hadn’t had a great time, I will always be thankful to New Orleans for showing my husband a bit of where he came from…information he never got from his parents, that no place on earth but the St. Louis cemetery could have provided for him.

Now, if only we can scrape up the money to get back, there are two more St. Louis cemeteries waiting to be explored.


Florida, I Have a Bone to Pick with You June 16, 2009

Is this really something to brag about?  Really?  Maybe if you're David Caruso, with nowhere else to go.

Is this really something to brag about? Really? Maybe if you're David Caruso, with nowhere else to go.

In fact, I have several.

The first: ENOUGH WITH THE ANTI-ABORTION BILLBOARDS ALREADY. I am on vacation. I do not want to be bombarded with messages about heartbeats and lima-bean shaped fetuses every freaking mile up and down the east coast. If you must advertise your religio-political beliefs via billboard, a small number will suffice. May I suggest one every 30 miles? Every 60 miles? Your advertising blitz is the equivalent of hitting someone in the head with a hammer; if it doesn’t lobotomize her, it will really piss her off.  If I weren’t pro-choice before (I was), I would be now.

The second: I HATE your toll roads. I HATE your stupid turnpike. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have to cough up $2 and then $1.25 and then another $2 every couple of miles? At one point, we paid something like $8 or $9 at a SINGLE toll booth. This is out of control. It would be cheaper to charter a helicopter to get where I need to be. If you need money so badly, try instituting a luxury car tax. Or a bikini tax. Or just take some of the profits from the bars on South Beach that charge $25 FREAKING DOLLARS for a mojito. There is something really wrong with a system that needs to give you a toll calculator. Hint: if you have to calculate it, you can’t afford it.

The third: The Keys? SO NOT LIKE THE BAHAMAS. They’re small, they don’t have many beaches, and they’re raging tourist rip-off joints. I paid $41 dollars for lunch at a Cuban restaurant in Key West that consisted of banana chips (sold at most grocery stores), saffron rice (ditto), seasoned ground beef (hello Taco Bell), and black beans (again, grocery store). The Cuba Libre was weak, and the piped-in soundtrack was Putumayo’s Latin Groove, which I already own. SO NOT CUBAN.

We found one beach on Key West where I was able to swim in the water a bit, at the price of my newly seared corneas: someone’s grandpa wore a red/yellow/green striped Speedo that left nothing to the imagination, not even the grapefruit-sized hernia sticking out of his stomach. No one needs to see that. No one.

Back to the point about rip-off joints: I do not want to pay $24 for two adults to go into Hemingway’s house. I do not want to pay $25 per plate for two of us to have lunch. I definitely don’t want to pay $15 for a mixed drink. I don’t want to pay $7 for a skinny-ass slice of key lime pie.  I don’t want to pay $200 for the two of us to go out on a boat and fish. I don’t want to pay $150 for the two of us to parasail for ten minutes. There must have been something Hemingway loved about this place, but it’s long gone. Now it’s just Disneyland with more booze and swear words on the cheap tourist t-shirts. Nothing felt more inauthentic our whole trip.

P.S.: Where the freak do you grow the limes? I didn’t see any.

The fourth: you guys have GOT to do something about the insects. Those palmetto bugs are something else. We found one in our shower in Marathon Key, but only because of a strange wardrobe malfunction on my part. My Old Navy flip flops had gotten wet, and unbeknownst to me, were emitting a high-pitched squeak (squeal?) every time I stepped on them. Silly me, I mistook this for an insect mating call and hopped up onto the chair, screaming for P. to find the evildoer and kill it. He graciously moved the bedding, the bed, anything that could be moved in our Spartan room. No bug.  So I got down from the chair, stepped on my shoe, and heard the evil insect’s call once more.

With a shriek and a hop, I remounted the chair and told P. to check the bathroom. That’s when he found it. A palmetto bug the size of a Cuban cigar, waddling around the shower. He smashed it with the bathroom trash can, but it took a few good and heavy swats, and it didn’t completely die until he severed it in two, like that chick who gets run through by the knife-enabled chariot in Gladiator. Unfortunately for me, he left the body parts in the shower for the CSI team (me) to deal with in the morning.

When I kicked off my shoes and we stopped hearing creatures hiss at us, it dawned on him that it was my shoes and not the bugs making that hissing noise. But still…if my shoes hadn’t done that, we wouldn’t have found that bug in the shower until God knows when. Have I mentioned I hate bugs? REALLY REALLY REALLY hate bugs?

The fifth: Can you please find someone who knows how to make a stiff drink? We had a couple of drinks each at the Clevelander in South Beach; no buzz. Another night, in Hollywood, we went to the Hollywood Ale House, which had surprisingly few ale choices, and ended up deciding to get plastered on drink specials. $60 later, neither of us felt tipsy at all. In the Keys, we had Cuba Libres with our Cuban lunch in Key West and it just tasted like Coke. Whoever poured the rum must have forgotten how to count to three. Would it kill someone to give a little value to the tourist these days? What fun is vacation if you’re not drunk half the time?

Work with me, Florida.


Touring the Filthy South, Part II June 10, 2009

Filed under: Do Re Me,Life, Whatnot — indiakonstanze @ 8:59 pm
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Okay, kids, it’s time for a very serious lesson. The moral of today’s story is this: NEVER EVER EAT AT HOOTERS.

Okay, not really. That’s only part of it. The real lesson is this: if there’s something you don’t want to do but you’re considering it because someone else tells you “it will be a good experience for you,” RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. THE OTHER PERSON IS LYING TO YOU FOR HIS OR HER OWN BENEFIT.

It doesn’t matter whether they want you to have sex, do drugs, shoplift, or eat the squirmy octopus thing on the sushi boat. It is always a BAD IDEA. Stick to your guns and tell that person to fuck off, the way you’d tell Hitler to fuck off if he came up to you and asked you to read Mein Kampf, the way you’d tell Mohammad Atta to fuck off if he came up to you and asked you to hold his flight jacket. Be true to your instincts, because they’ll save you from abject misery.

In my case, it would have saved me from dining at Hooters. I’ve always said I’ll never set foot in one of those places. I think they’re dumb, and I don’t even like wings. Aside from the whole exploitation debate, I just knew I wouldn’t have a good time there. Yet I allowed my stated preference to be overruled, and sweet Jesus, I have never had a more uncomfortable meal.

To start with, the noise inside was overwhelming. I could barely hear my own thoughts, and even simple communication became a shouting matches (“Do you want to sit here?” “What?” “Do you want to sit here?” “Huh?” “JUST SIT.”)

Sit we did, at a small and sticky table near the door. It took 10 minutes for a waitress to come say hi and take our drink orders. “It’s my first night back,” she said, blinking mascara-crusted eyes and wiggling a glitter-dusted body. Not since the days of the Spice Girls have I seen this much body glitter. She was passably cute, if a little more rounded than the elastic waistband of her tiny shorts wanted to permit.

We ordered two waters, and sat back to peruse the menu. Once I eliminated the things I don’t really like (wings and fried chicken) and the things I wasn’t willing to pay for ($15 seafood platter), I was left with a burger. I decided I’d go with a blue cheese topping, just to be different.

Next, I scoped out my surroundings. On the window to my left was a poster advertising a bikini contest, with an oily blonde leering at me in a skimpy turquoise bikini. I looked across the aisle to my right, where there was a framed picture of a waitress rolling around on a bed in her Hooters uniform. Sitting at that table was a family of four, with a blond, freckled 12-year-old boy posted directly beside the nauseating photo. Assholes, I thought, glaring at the parents.

The family’s waitress was different than ours; theirs was a tall brunette wearing shorts that angled so high up across her cheeks that the entire curve where butt meets thigh was visible to all and sundry. And believe me, there were plenty of sundries. The night’s crowd included a family having a birthday party FOR A LITTLE GIRL, and a family eating out with GRANDMA AND THE KIDS. What kind of fucked up family takes their little girl to Hooters for her birthday? The girl was sobbing, and I would have been too if my parents were stupid enough to take me to that Junior-League-reject whorefest for my birthday party.

I looked at my watch. We’d been seated for at least 20 minutes and still had no water.  Parched from the long drive, I looked around for our waitress. She did not reappear for quite some time. When she did, she blazed past us to the table of guys to my right. She talked and flirted with them slowly, shamelessly, as if no one else could possibly be seated in her section. I tried to collect enough spit in my mouth to swallow, as a replacement for the nonexistent water.

It was at least another 10 minutes before she acknowledged us again. When she returned, it was sans water and sans any order-taking paraphernalia, like paper. She apologized for forgetting our waters, apologized for taking so long, apologized for being so disorganized, then wrote our order on a napkin with some sort of aqua magic marker and waddled off, shedding glitter behind her like a rave-enabled Gretel.

In the meantime, P. went off to wash his hands and I sat there trying not to stare at the jiggling butt cheeks of the passing waitresses. Not five seconds after he left, our waitress came back to our table to find out what kind of sauce he wanted on his wings, and what kind of dressing he wanted with his side order of celery. I knew the latter, but not the former. I told her he’d be back in a second and could answer her then. She got a worried look on her face and said she had to guard the computer to keep our ticket open. Apparently, something dire happened if she failed in this objective. She apologized again (third time? fourth time?) and ran back to the computer/drink station.

By now, we’d been seated for about half an hour and we hadn’t even had our order placed. I was upset because this girl was clearly incompetent, I still didn’t have anything to drink, and everywhere I put my eyes, I was confronted with some co-ed’s glittery breasts, thighs, or butt cheeks. Not appetizing. Not relaxing. Not the kind of scenery I wanted on my vacation.

Finally, P. came back from the restroom. She pounced as soon as he sat down, crouching near him so he had a clear view down her shirt. He told her what sauce he wanted, and she ran off the put in our order. By some miracle, she returned with two water glasses and placed them in front of us before turning to clear a table across the aisle. I looked at what we’d been given: P.’s straw still had the paper top on it to assure him of its cleanliness; I had no such luck. “How come yours still has the paper thing?” I said. Our waitress heard me and turned around with a Cheshire cat smile. “Oh, yours came off in my hand,” she said. “It stuck to my finger when I put it on the tray.”

Now I know this is Hooters, with nary a Michelin star to its name—but still. If you’re bringing out two drinks, and only one has the requisite sanitary protection, you do something to make them match. Either you bring BOTH drinks out WITHOUT straw wrappers or you grab another straw and bring BOTH drinks out WITH straw wrappers. I don’t want to think about her sticky fingers touching any part of my straw, but now I have to. Thanks, you germ-infested bitch. Thanks a lot.

While we waited for our food, I stared at P. long enough to make him nervous. I wasn’t doing it on purpose; I was just looking for some neutral ground. If I looked left, I stared right into the crotch of the bikini girl on the poster. If I looked right, I ended up seeing the butt cheeks of a passing waitress. Even weirder, every time I averted my eyes from butt cheeks, I saw some guy at a table on the right staring at me while I was staring at the waitresses. I’m telling you, you can’t shake a stick in a Hooters without smacking a possible sex offender. (Do any normal guys eat at Hooters? I only found one.)

Eventually, the glittery waitress deposited my burger in front of me, patting my shoulder for no apparent reason. The side of celery and ranch P. ordered arrived in its own basket, which was kind of like reserving a limo for a mouse. Three or four thin, spindly stalks of cheap-ass vegetable fiber and a plastic cup of off-brand Ranch dressing…talk about .99 well spent, folks. My burger looked pretty good, except for the fact that I had to hunt for the blue cheese on top. There was one dollop, about the size of a dime, resting calmly on my patty.

Since the burger came with slaw, the waitress left me a set of utensils. They lay face-up on the tray she’d given me, all the better to see the small pieces of crap crusted onto the fork. It was probably just a few pieces of stuck-on lettuce, but still. She was oblivious, and I ate my coleslaw with a spoon.

She came back to check on us twice. Once, she deposited a stack of fifty napkins next to P. She’d already left him plenty when she brought the food; I think she just wanted to bend over next to him. The second time, she placed a paper ticket on the edge of the table. I didn’t even look at her. When I was dying of thirst, I had to wait half an hour for a water. When I was dying of hunger, I had to wait for her to accost my husband to place our order all because she couldn’t remember what she had to ask to complete the order itself. Now that I had my food and simply wanted to eat it in peace, I had to keep interrupting my meal to reassure her that she’s doing a swell job and that we (finally) have everything we need.

When it came time to pay up and get the hell out of there, P. slapped his card onto the ticket and she whisked it away. When she brought it back, she failed to whisk herself away. She lingered, standing over his shoulder, looking at the receipt he was about to fill out.  She straightened the ketchup bottle, pushed the salt and pepper back into place, and touched every menu in the metal wire holder to make sure they were straight. P. made eye contact with me, and I mouthed, “Just wait.” I felt sure she’d realize how rude she was being, and give us a moment to strategize about the tip without her boobs touching my husband’s shoulder. No such luck.

She changed positions a few times, always leaning over P. or over the table, but never moving out of eyesight of the as-yet-blank line where we’d insert our tip. Bitch, please. If you’re so afraid of a shitty tip, try not being a shitty waitress. Every inconvenience we encountered was her fault; we had no problem with the food, the chef, the manager, etc. I would never have left without giving her a tip, but it would have been nice to indicate my displeasure with a solo dollar bill, or maybe even two, which would still have been 10%.

I fumed as she idled and fidgeted, moving items on the table around as if she were arranging a Thanksgiving centerpiece. P. and I made eye contact again, asking each other a silent what-the-fuck-is-she-doing? Finally, he picked up the pen and gave her the standard 15%, just to avoid a scene and get the hell out of there. He signed the receipt, and we stood up so fast you might have thought our seats were on fire. She’d taken away our one method of satisfaction…giving her a tip that matched the quality of her service. The worst part was…she knew she’d done a shitty job. She knew she deserved a lame tip. But she banked on the fact that we wouldn’t stiff her with her looking over our collective shoulder. It’s a dirty waitress Jedi trick.

I knew I should have stuck to my guns and never set foot inside a Hooters, but I was seduced by the siren song of vacation, and the lure of “new experiences.”  My bad. It won’t happen again.