Dense Blog Advisory

Lots of words, people. Lots of words.

Florida, I Have a Bone to Pick with You June 16, 2009

Is this really something to brag about?  Really?  Maybe if you're David Caruso, with nowhere else to go.

Is this really something to brag about? Really? Maybe if you're David Caruso, with nowhere else to go.

In fact, I have several.

The first: ENOUGH WITH THE ANTI-ABORTION BILLBOARDS ALREADY. I am on vacation. I do not want to be bombarded with messages about heartbeats and lima-bean shaped fetuses every freaking mile up and down the east coast. If you must advertise your religio-political beliefs via billboard, a small number will suffice. May I suggest one every 30 miles? Every 60 miles? Your advertising blitz is the equivalent of hitting someone in the head with a hammer; if it doesn’t lobotomize her, it will really piss her off.  If I weren’t pro-choice before (I was), I would be now.

The second: I HATE your toll roads. I HATE your stupid turnpike. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have to cough up $2 and then $1.25 and then another $2 every couple of miles? At one point, we paid something like $8 or $9 at a SINGLE toll booth. This is out of control. It would be cheaper to charter a helicopter to get where I need to be. If you need money so badly, try instituting a luxury car tax. Or a bikini tax. Or just take some of the profits from the bars on South Beach that charge $25 FREAKING DOLLARS for a mojito. There is something really wrong with a system that needs to give you a toll calculator. Hint: if you have to calculate it, you can’t afford it.

The third: The Keys? SO NOT LIKE THE BAHAMAS. They’re small, they don’t have many beaches, and they’re raging tourist rip-off joints. I paid $41 dollars for lunch at a Cuban restaurant in Key West that consisted of banana chips (sold at most grocery stores), saffron rice (ditto), seasoned ground beef (hello Taco Bell), and black beans (again, grocery store). The Cuba Libre was weak, and the piped-in soundtrack was Putumayo’s Latin Groove, which I already own. SO NOT CUBAN.

We found one beach on Key West where I was able to swim in the water a bit, at the price of my newly seared corneas: someone’s grandpa wore a red/yellow/green striped Speedo that left nothing to the imagination, not even the grapefruit-sized hernia sticking out of his stomach. No one needs to see that. No one.

Back to the point about rip-off joints: I do not want to pay $24 for two adults to go into Hemingway’s house. I do not want to pay $25 per plate for two of us to have lunch. I definitely don’t want to pay $15 for a mixed drink. I don’t want to pay $7 for a skinny-ass slice of key lime pie.  I don’t want to pay $200 for the two of us to go out on a boat and fish. I don’t want to pay $150 for the two of us to parasail for ten minutes. There must have been something Hemingway loved about this place, but it’s long gone. Now it’s just Disneyland with more booze and swear words on the cheap tourist t-shirts. Nothing felt more inauthentic our whole trip.

P.S.: Where the freak do you grow the limes? I didn’t see any.

The fourth: you guys have GOT to do something about the insects. Those palmetto bugs are something else. We found one in our shower in Marathon Key, but only because of a strange wardrobe malfunction on my part. My Old Navy flip flops had gotten wet, and unbeknownst to me, were emitting a high-pitched squeak (squeal?) every time I stepped on them. Silly me, I mistook this for an insect mating call and hopped up onto the chair, screaming for P. to find the evildoer and kill it. He graciously moved the bedding, the bed, anything that could be moved in our Spartan room. No bug.  So I got down from the chair, stepped on my shoe, and heard the evil insect’s call once more.

With a shriek and a hop, I remounted the chair and told P. to check the bathroom. That’s when he found it. A palmetto bug the size of a Cuban cigar, waddling around the shower. He smashed it with the bathroom trash can, but it took a few good and heavy swats, and it didn’t completely die until he severed it in two, like that chick who gets run through by the knife-enabled chariot in Gladiator. Unfortunately for me, he left the body parts in the shower for the CSI team (me) to deal with in the morning.

When I kicked off my shoes and we stopped hearing creatures hiss at us, it dawned on him that it was my shoes and not the bugs making that hissing noise. But still…if my shoes hadn’t done that, we wouldn’t have found that bug in the shower until God knows when. Have I mentioned I hate bugs? REALLY REALLY REALLY hate bugs?

The fifth: Can you please find someone who knows how to make a stiff drink? We had a couple of drinks each at the Clevelander in South Beach; no buzz. Another night, in Hollywood, we went to the Hollywood Ale House, which had surprisingly few ale choices, and ended up deciding to get plastered on drink specials. $60 later, neither of us felt tipsy at all. In the Keys, we had Cuba Libres with our Cuban lunch in Key West and it just tasted like Coke. Whoever poured the rum must have forgotten how to count to three. Would it kill someone to give a little value to the tourist these days? What fun is vacation if you’re not drunk half the time?

Work with me, Florida.

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